Pet peeves: the gym


To begin, let me clarify that I am in no way a badass at the gym. I'm the guy trying not to be noticed because my pasty, white chicken legs are wobbling when I'm just going up normal stairs. Yup, no weights in my hands, I'm just weak. Thanks.

I am, however, incredibly impatient and easily annoyed by the actions of others. Thanks to this quality trait of mine, here's a compiled list of complaints about behaviors I've experienced in my own gym adventures that just eat away at me in a way I cannot ignore.

I'd also like to clarify that about 99.9% of people at the gym are awesome, quality human beings. They're great. This is more of a focus on the rare few that make no sense to me.

This post is entirely a matter of personal opinion. It in no way should be taken as a serious compilation of fact-supported information. Just the random ramblings of a cranky nerd. If you do any of these things, I apologize if I offend you but seriously? Why?

#1 - The confused and proud

The gym is a strange place full of strange machines that look like they'll snap you in half faster than they'll get you ready for that sweet speedo you've been eyeing all winter. It's not crazy to think people don't necessarily know how they all work, and that's fine. What I struggle with is the group who can't or won't take the time to figure it out. It's not hard. They even have pictures and everything, reading optional. And I'm not talking about the people that have found a new way of using an old machine to improve their workout. I'm referring to those that do the most insane, dangerous maneuvers simply because they refuse to take a moment to watch someone else do it, read the labels or just ask. Or even look it up on their phones! So many options, why would you flail around like that for no reason?

#2 - The machine campers

There are a lot of machines available for a variety of muscle groups but I realize that people have the exercises and workouts they prefer the most for any number of reasons. That's cool. You do you and crush it. However! You do realize you're not the only one in the gym right? So why would you set up camp on a single machine and never leave? It's the only one in the building. It's very popular because it works you in ways no other machine can. Do you think it's reasonable to move in on the machine and just use only that one thing for a half hour straight or longer? Is there seriously no other machine in here that you can find a use for? Just that one? Really? Seems odd to me. Seriously, you gotta go. I want a turn dammit.

#3 - The machine vacationers

It's cool that you and your friend decided to workout together. I appreciate you pushing each other to challenge your limits, to reach new heights. Awesome. Good work. But when you're taking your turn to sit back and watch them make their most awkward O-face while they're grunting their way through the next set, do you really need to hole up on the nearby machine for no reason? Maybe you worked your legs so hard that standing is no longer an option but I'm not convinced. And yes, I do know I could just come over and have that awkward moment where I try to catch your eye and motion silently at the machine with my eyebrows raised like I can't tell if you're using it or not even though I can clearly tell you sure as hell aren't because that's not how you sit on it dammit. But that's stupid. Just don't sit on it. You're at the freaking gym. If you can't stand upright between sets then go ride a bike and get out of the way already.

#4 - The fakers

There are a lot of fitness goals in the world. Some people want to be able to lift a car over their head. Some want to be able to run across the country without stopping. But what is your goal if you come in for 12 minutes and won't form a single bead of sweat? Why are you here? Is it for selfies on Instagram? What happens when people ask how your progress has been? Are you going to throw out the, "muscle weighs more than fat" line and hope they forget to ask again later? Or that they just stop caring? I just don't get it. I'm far from a fitness guru but I'm here to challenge my personal limits and make myself better. Pretty sure that's what everyone else is trying to do in their own way too. It just blows my mind to try and fathom what's happening. Even people that show up just to maintain themselves push harder than that. I refuse to believe that you mean business if you leave smelling like a clothing model. Not buying it. Nope, you better sweat it up like the rest of us nasty, gross people or I'm calling B.S.

There's no real lesson here. No moral compass to steer yourself by. I'm literally just taking a moment to complain because this stuff has been bugging me for the last several weeks and I needed to get it off my chest. If you agree with any of this, awesome. If you hate me for being so judgmental, whoops I guess? Whatever the case, I'm sure I'll continue having the honor of enjoying all my favorite aggravations at the gym for the indefinite future and I'll keep working my way around them. But somewhere in the back of my head, I'll be silently screaming in confused wildness while I fail to understand what motivates your unique brand of crazy. See you there!

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