The boring truth behind what's going on in my head.
For those of you who don't know me, I'm a little unhinged. My mind works in mysterious ways and it's usually very apparent in my viewpoints, my observations, my actions and above all you can tell it's a mess in there any time I'm bold enough to open my mouth and let the thoughts come forth.
The best description I ever had for my the way my mind is built was a series of jagged cul de sacs. Yup. Wrap your head around that mess.
It's never quiet in there. Rarely peaceful. And what it's filled with 90% of the time is probably the most disappointingly boring answer ever.
While I wish I was solving the world's unanswerable questions, inventing new ways to make food appear in my hands without putting forth any effort or simply planning my own future it's not even remotely close to any of those.
What I'm usually considering any moment of any day is what the next thing that's going to leave my mouth is. Yup. Believe it or not you poor fools that actually hear the nonsense that slips past my lips, that stuff is horrifically edited. Now that's not to say the editing is any good. It's still my crazy head that's calling the shots on what people really get to hear vs the source of the original comment. Sometimes this even results in what comes out being very unintentionally worse than the intention but by that point it's just another bout of insanity courtesy of yours truly.
Now I'm sure I'm far from the only person who does this. Though I'd be surprised if people handle it quite to the level I do. Call it insecurity or just plain old certifiable behavior, but it's just unreal.
I've spent full walks to work considering both sides of conversations I've never had. All it takes is a whisper of a moment wondering what would happen if person X happened to say phrase Y to me and how I'd respond. Which inevitably means I have to consider how they'd respond to that. Or what if I said something else? Then they'd clearly respond differently to my response so I better have 14 different responses ready for their 9 responses to my 5 responses to the thing they haven't even said and may never say. If an interruption doesn't come along this can quickly spiral out of control without any foreseeable end in sight.
The next time you see me staring off into space? There's a good chance you and I are having a conversation you haven't even considered sparking up yet. The next time you and I talk about anything? Doesn't even have to be serious. You can simply tell me you had the most ordinary bowl of cereal for breakfast today. Odds are we had that conversation an infinite number of times an infinite number of ways earlier that day or week or month. Who knows?
And once the conversation is over? Could the crazy possibly end? Well why would that make any sense? Nope, now it's time to look at the replay and analyze every little bit of information available. Why? Yup, you guessed it. More prep for the other talks we may never have.
Unfortunately this hasn't helped accomplish much despite my constant diligence. If you've never had the pleasure, trust me when I say my friends can back this up. My comments are many things. They are awkward. They are unexpected. They are nonsensical. They are just silly. You'd think I'd be a master linguist with all my preparations. That sonnets and ballads would flow freely from my well prepared tongue. Nope. Not so much.
But that's alright. It's not something likely to change nor should it. I'm not complaining. Just know the next time we talk, whatever you hear from me? Could've just as easily been so many things that I promise have been said at least once in my head. And I bet that conversation was just as weird as the one we're having now.